I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
That accounts for only three of the penises
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
