at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
