she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize