omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
