The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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