So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
