Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
