brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize