dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
