positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
