i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
