I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
