i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
