At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize