I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
