You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
