I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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