there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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