I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
