If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
