I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
