I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
