So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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