he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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