I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
