Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize