You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
