Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
