I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
