I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I see more hoeing in ur future
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