You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I did not marry a roomba.
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