Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
