Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
