hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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