Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
