if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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