And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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