I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
