He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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