I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
3pm strippers are depressing
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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