shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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