my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
