some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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