the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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