So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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