Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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