You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Found the puke drawer
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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