You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
