Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
