I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
