Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
