I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
