I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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