FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
