Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
