New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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