mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
