I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
