if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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