I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
