Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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