THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
