I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
